Thankful on Paper - Week Three.

It is a good thing that I am participating in Thankful on Paper or I would not even be writing!! Sorry for the lack of posts, I have been fighting a cold and that means that free time = sleep in my world this week because I do not even have the time to be playing the sick game!!! All that to say is that I am thankful for Thankful on Paper…moving along…


This week I would like to tell you about my Grandparents, in particular, my Grandmother. Last weekend I had the opportunity to travel to central California to visit my Grandparents. The visit was for an event celebrating the 10th anniversary of their arts foundation (the photo above is us at the event). The foundation was really the brain child of my Grandma – she believed that if she could find a way to provide free arts education for the underserved in her community that it would help decrease gang activity and crime and increase the chances of these kids graduating high school and furthering their education. Her thought was “build it and they will come”, so 7 years ago they broke ground on a facility that would allow them to have a ‘home base’ for the classes that had been taught for the previous 3 years. There were many skeptics as to whether the community interest would support such a project, but they have since been proven wrong as today more than 400 kids participate in 45 classes each week! There are countless success stories of the kids whose lives have been changed and this event was a showcase of some of those stories. As I sat there and listened to each person share I was overcome with emotion. She has given her life to these kids and they just adore her.

In that moment I felt so grateful to have been given such an amazing role model! She has shown me that there is pay off in following your passion and in serving others. A little over a year ago when I decided to leave my business to go into nonprofit, I had no hesitation as to whether or not it was the right choice. I could not explain how I knew, I just did. And now I can see why – it is what I have been shown through the incredible example that my Grandparents are. They have worked very hard for what they have and they give of it freely to help better others lives.

One of the students that had graduated the program was sitting at our table for lunch and he was telling us how he started at the foundation as a shy 7 year old and now he is in college and teaching acting classes at the foundation. He said that my grandmother was his angel and that she had truly changed his life. And that is just one example of thousands.

As she gets older and fights for her health (she has Parkinson’s Disease) I hope that she sees what an amazing legacy she has created – one that will keep giving and changing lives long after she’s gone. She inspires me to be a better person and to give to others freely. This trip also made me realize how fragile life really is and that I should take every moment that I can to spend quality time with my family and friends and to tell them that I love them frequently!

I am truly blessed!!!

Thankful on Paper - Week Two.

So this week’s Thankful on Paper installment comes at you a little late, but better than never!

Tonight I get to go to dinner with my sweet niece (this is us at Mary Poppins last year) and her best friend and as I was looking forward to dinner I decided that I wanted to share with you why I am extra thankful for my niece Jessica. She was the first of my nieces and nephews to be born and I became an auntie at the tender age of 10. Even at that age, I knew that being an auntie was a very big deal…after all, I had to be a good role model. I was always so excited when we got to visit and would hold her as much as I could – she was like a doll to me. As she got older we would play dress up and make-up, she followed me everywhere and I loved every second of it! Through grade school, junior high and high school we became closer – I was the cool auntie (obvs) and at some point they started calling me AJ (short for Auntie Jenny, of course). So ‘AJ’ would come and do her and her friends hair and make up for homecomings and proms and we would hang out and they would fill me in on all the school drama.

As I mentioned in my first Thankful on Paper post, I am focusing on people who have helped me embrace crazy as my superpower. How does this apply to my niece who is 10 years younger than I am, you ask?? Well, she has given me the opportunity to be there for her, she has confided in me, she reached out to me and I consider that an honor. Now that she is all grown up she has given me the chance to share with her my struggles and my mistakes and has shared with me how she can apply those things to her life and that absolutely makes me believe that my crazy is a superpower!

Jess, I am so proud of the woman you are becoming and I am honored to be your AJ. I love you so very much! Thank you for being you!!! - Love AJ

Leaving Las Vegas

Turns out, I am not the only one who has superpowers. I would like to take a break from our regularly scheduled programming to brag for a moment…yesterday I had the pleasure of cheering on the love of my life as he completed his first half iron-man triathlon in Las Vegas. For those of you who do not know the insanity that this entails, please note the following: 1.2 mile swim, 56 mile bike ride and a 13.1 mile run…all at once, as in back to back, as in OMG this is a different kind of crazy all together. He finished the race in 6:23:37. That is 6 hours, 23 minutes and 37 seconds of working out, of pushing one’s body to the limit, of focus and determination – I am so impressed and so proud.

Life has been throwing him a few curve balls lately and rather than freak out or resort to self-destructive behavior, he has funneled that negative energy into training and bettering himself. It is inspiring to say the least.

Here are a few photos that I took during the race:

The first photo is him waiting at the swim start (he is in the top corner chillin like an otter, with the green goggles and grin on his face), then the next is the mass start (700 racers) and the last one is him coming in for the finish (he finished quite close to the front, it was awesome!). I was quite pleased that he had green goggles and a beard, it made it easy to pick him out as I watched from the bridge!

This is at the bike start line. I love that his race helmet says laser...duh, he looks laser fast in this photo!

This is the beginning of the run, I thought he looked really good given the fact that he just swam 1.2 miles and biked 56 miles on a very hilly course, but he told me later that he was spent. Can you even imagine working out that hard and then being like "ok, lets go run a half marathon on a hilly course!" ?? Rockstar!

I didn't get a photo of him finishing because the camera ran out of batteries (MEH!). I tried a cell phone photo, but apparently was so excited and jumping up and down so much that I took a photo of the fence (lame), but this is us getting back to the hotel. He showered and headed straight for bed -- we ordered room service and hung out. It was a perfect end to such a great day!

As I waited at the finish line for him to come in, I got all teary eyed as each person crossed and then totally cried when he came in. Watching people achieve such great accomplishments gets me every time, but more so, at that moment was reminded that I am the luckiest girl alive to have such a wonderful man in my life…for more reasons than I can count.

We are headed home today -- yay road trip! Hope you have a happy Monday friends and I hope you are encouraged to accomplish something that seems impossible this week -- I certainly am!!

Hello Penelope, old friend.

Penelope is a friend that I have known for a long time, in fact, she was probably in my life even before I knew she was. She’s super fabulous. Everyone loves her. She’s stylish, witty and excitable. She thinks she could take over the world and make it a better place in like a week and she will convince you that is the case and you’d probably believe her, like for reals, she’s that convincing. Penelope knows me better than anyone else. Most likely because she is me: Penelope is Manic Me.

Now before you go getting all concerned and think that in addition to the long list of things that I deal with, I also have multiple personalities let me explain: My fantastic friend Tanya (who I introduced to you yesterday) was with me for the months after I was officially told that I am crazy on paper. As I have shared before, once I got past the initial shock of seeing the word BIPOLAR in print next to my name, I settled into the idea that I finally had an explanation for the years of awfulness that was my insides. Suddenly I knew that the fact that I would be crying about the state of my life and the world one hour and then deciding that I was going to sell all my things and move to Africa to help save AIDS babies the next and then back to crying for those AIDS babies the hour after that, was rapid cycling and can be a symptom of bipolar…

It’s an exhausting symptom in case you were wondering and one that I dealt with a lot (even now sometimes). The process of trying to keep it together so that I could interact with people and not blow my cover was tiresome to say the least. So in trying to explain to Tanya just how I felt, she decided that we were going to name my Manic Me and my Depressed Me and thus Penelope and Matidla (or Penny and Tildy for short) were born. It was the easiest way for me to tell her where I was at any given moment without having to go into a whole long explanation. Although I am sure she could decipher based on the fact that I would either be weeping for no reason or wildly telling her a 30-minute story about a 5-minute interaction that I had with someone at the gas station that totally changed my life, but nonetheless, it was certainly a more fabulous way to tell.

I bring Penny up because she’s been hanging out with me for the last week or so. You see, for the last 5 years right around the time that we “fall backwards” for the time change, I have noticed that Matilda gradually sneaks into my world and before I know it, I have lost 2 months to the sleep monster that I become when Tildy is around. I am very sensitive to season changes (even the pretend ones in LA). So this year when I felt it happening a touch early, Dr. John and I decided that the best thing to do would be to preemptively take an anti-depressant for a week to prevent said occurrence. The thing about taking anti-depressants as a bipolar person is that they work really great to get me out of the dumps, but then there is no ceiling for my anxiety and the next thing I know is that I am not sleeping and hanging out with Penny. But the luxury of being nearly 6 years into this game, is that I know this will happen and can take measures to regulate.

So that is where I am – regulating. This fall/winter I am going to try a light therapy box and see if that helps Matilda stay away, that way I won't have to incorporate another pill into my life and that makes me – all 3 of me – happy.

Thankful on Paper - Week One.

Let me start by saying that there are a MILLION people that I am SO thankful for in my life and so deciding on who to write about was quite the task for me. I made the choice to write about people who have had a significant part in my process of embracing my crazy as a superpower.


So, for my first week of being thankful on paper I would like to tell you about my dear friend Tanya. I moved back to LA from Phoenix at the very end of 2004 at which time my life had fallen apart: I had just been diagnosed, a relationship had ended, my career (if you could call it that) was hanging on by a thread and I had no clue what I was doing with my life. I was quite blessed that my mother insisted that I move in with her while I got my medication under control and had some time to figure out my brain before I had to go back into figuring out everything else on that list (and more).

Enter Tanya. She and I have known each other from my speech days (did I mention that I got trophies for talking in college?? Like real actual trophies. For talking. She helped me do that. It was awesome.). When I say that we spent every waking moment together for the better part of a year, I would not be exaggerating (which is shocking for me, I know.). Now you may read this and think ‘cool they were BFF, good times’, but that year was one of the hardest years of my life and I was the hottest mess that I have ever been (which is saying a lot) and Tanya was there every minute.

She was there when one moment I was cooking dinner and the next I was crying over boiling water (its upsetting, duh). She would go with me to the beach and we’d read InStyle and Vogue and watch the surfers and I’d show her a cute pairs of boots then burst into tears. She loved me through the 2 months that I was up and down hourly as my new medication started working (believe me, it was not pretty.). She helped me name my manic self and depressed self so I would have ways to express where I was (more on Penelope and Matilda later). She helped me plan my quit drinking party, she ate chocolate chip pancakes with me, watched bad TV with me and she loved me for every bit of crazy that I was and am. And for that I am so incredibly thankful.

My dear Tanya, you are a true friend and I love you very much! Thank you for encouraging me to embrace the crazy! I am SO thankful on paper for you and I do not know where I would be without you! All my love, J.

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And thank you to Rachel for coming up with this amazing idea -- can't wait for Thankful on Paper Week Two!!!!

Happy Halloween!!!

Dressing up for Halloween when I was a kid was the best! For the most of my childhood I was one of 3 things for Halloween: Strawberry Shortcake, Annie or Rainbow Brite. Then of course there was the occasional cheerleader, bride or flapper. This photo above was taken when I was in kindergarten. I love it. There's the Cinderella, The Cute Bug, A witch, pumpkin and then the Strawberry-blond girl in a random dress. My mom says that I came out the morning of the Halloween party in a dress, pink lipstick and tons of her blue eye shadow. When she asked me what I was I simply said, “Don’t be silly mommy, I’m a supermodel”. Duh. Of course I was.

I’ve been told that I was quite the sassy and precocious child (shocking), always talking to everyone and making up my own rules to things. The other story that my mom loves to tell about that Halloween is when she got a call from my teacher informing her that I had misbehaved and caused some of the other kids to not follow the rules. Seeing as how I was usually the golden child (ask my brother) my mom was a touch confused. My teacher went on to explain to my mother something like this:

“…today we had a Halloween game on the playground where the students worked on listening and following rules. The game, called witches goblins and ghosts, requires that the children wander around while listening to festive music and then when the music stops they must run to the which, goblin, or ghost corner, then the last one to make it to a corner must sit out. Well, Jennifer decided that she wanted to make her own corner because she did not like witches, goblins or ghosts. She said that she did not have to follow those rules because her mommy did not like witches, goblins or ghosts either. Instead she insisted that there be a mermaid and princess corner. Once she insisted this happen several of the other children agreed and would only go into this corner. Jennifer is usually a great student, but she really needs to work on listening and following the rules better.”

To which my mother replied something to the effect of:

“Thank you so much for your call and I will certainly talk to Jenn about listening and being respectful of the rules, but don’t you think that if you had the chance to decide between being a witch/goblin/ghost or being a princess/mermaid that you would choose the latter?”

Yay for my mom! I am sure there was some sort of teachable moment that happened that night at dinner when we all sat around the table (I am most certain that I still had my supermodel costume on). But whenever I hear this story or see photos like this, I can’t help but laugh at the thought of a 5 year-old Jenn leading a mermaid/princess revolt in the Halloween listening and following rules game. Hilarious!

What about you? What is your favorite you-as-a-kid-halloween-story?

Hope your weekend is full of excessive amounts of candy, supermodel dresses, tons of blue eye shadow, mermaids and princesses!!

So, what's the payoff?

One of the things that I have grown to love is the journey that is me and my bipolar-ness. This journey is not bipolar specific, in fact we are all on our own journey, mine just happens to be a bipolar one. I feel like many people don’t take time to be present in the process and miss out on the rewards come with being present. My personal journey is cyclical, in that every time I battle something big and come out on the other side, I take some time to mellow out and enjoy that victory, but then out of nowhere something new sneaks up on me and all of a sudden I’m on the defense again. These internal conflicts have become less intense as time has gone and of course it depends on the subject matter, but I find that when I am faced with something that I have been fighting for so long there comes a time when I am just ready to get over it and do what ever it takes to be done and move on. Its like once I have moved through all the emotions surrounding the conflict all I want it to logically address the situation and make changes.

That is where I am now with my struggles around productivity, lack of focus and follow through. I have mentioned this many times (here, here, here and here). It has been something that I have fought in some capacity since my early teens. Clearly I have been able to wrangle it in, or else I would not have a job or friends or be functional. But the amount of time and energy that it takes to stay on track is astounding and even with all that effort; there are times when things still fall through the cracks. It is beyond exhausting. About 6 months ago I was at my quarterly crazy doctor appointment and something came up that took her back (which was a touch concerning, after all, she does see crazy people all day long, what could possibly surprise her?) and she started asking questions:

"…Do you have trouble focusing? [yes] Do you have trouble finishing projects? [meh, yes!] Do you put things in piles? [yes, damn those bloody piles!!] Is it difficult for you do get through your day and stay on task? [meeeeeh, yes.] Do you always find yourself putting things off and then pulling it off at the last minute [OMG, get out of my brain!!!!!]..."

The questions went on and the “yeses” and “mehs” kept coming. Well, turns out that ADD is not just for mis-behaved six year old boys any more, its for the the bipolars too!!!! YAAAAY!! Seriously, ADD?? Really? Another acronym? Another thing to read about? Another medication to decide on? Please, make it stop! We spent the rest of our time discussing options. I learned that there are 2 new-ish medications that can treat ADD in someone who is also Bipolar because they are non-stimulants (the traditional ADD medications have the tendency to make someone with is bipolar become manic, and that’s no good.).

So I went home with a trial medication packet and immediately ordered the two books she suggested Delivered from Distraction, by Edward Hallowell, MD and Women with ADD, by Sari Solden. (Side note: each are over 350 pages, small type, no pictures – really? Me and my possible ADD are supposed to “focus” and “follow through” in getting this read??) (Side note to the side note: both are actually really good reads and super informative and I did manage to work them out, despite lack of photos). The more I read, the more encouraged I became. Some studies show that as many as 60% of those with Bipolar are also ADD. Could it be possible that even the aforementioned behaviors are linked to my brain chemistry and it is not that I just don’t have it together? Could I actually take some meds that would help that? Suddenly I got giddy, imagining a time where I could actually rule my own little world and do jazz hands just cuz they are fabulous – I certainly would no longer need them to distract from the things that may have fallen through the huge cracks that are caused by my lack of focus. How bout that, jazz hands for fun – BRING ON THE MEDS!!!

I ended up reading and reading more and more and trying both medications over a 6 month period, neither of which really worked. Such a huge disappointment!!! The disappointment was mostly rooted in the fact that I was so quick and hopeful that, the meds would do the trick. I really longed for it to be an easy way out. Just this one time and then I would be ready to go back to all the hard work and growth and blah blah blah…but that is just not how it works.

I had another appointment with Dr. John (aka, my crazy doctor) last week and had to tell her that the second medication we tried did not work and that I had stopped taking it. We talked about what my specific struggles are and I decided that trying a more traditional medication that would risk mania was not worth it. It has become increasing clear to me that I do really well in situations where I can have an outside perspective to point out some practical ways to actually change my behaviors. I am the type that needs that external accountability in order to change habits and relearn things that I have ingrained into my identity until now. Usually I would consider going to see my old therapist for a few sessions, but in this case all the emotions are separated from the behaviors. The only way I am going to address the frustration and anxiety is to literally DO SOMETHING about the situation, I have done plenty of talking about it, its time for doing.

Yesterday I had my fist appointment with a life coach. She her counseling background includes working with adults who are ADD and bipolar and I am working with her to get my ACTION on! She is great, I am really excited about our coming sessions. Yesterday we talked about my cycle of productivity (or lack of) and how it is that I manage to pull it off every time. After I was giving her the 100th example of this, she asked. “So, what’s the payoff? What do you get from this cycle of behavior? There has to be a reason that you continue to do it the way you do.” This totally ninja'ed my brain and really made me think. I am not a stupid person and therefore would not make myself miserable on purpose, so what is the deal? What’s the payoff? What am I getting out of behaving in this way? And how can I get those same things by behaving differently? So much to think about….I already feel my thought patterns changing…now its time to translate that into action.

How about you? What are some patterns of behavior (big or small) that you have struggled to change? Ask yourself, “What’s the payoff?” If you are anything like me, you just might have a little light go off in your brain and start looking at those things differently. Or you might just have an answer and that is helpful too. Or you might just think I am crazy that’s fine too.

Either way, I hope you have the happiest Saturday!!!

Oh, and ps - check out my new “about me button and page”. I’ve been working on some blog design stuff and some new features…so stay tuned!!! Oh, Oh and pps – if you are interested in reading more about Bipolar or ADD, you can do so here and here.