Friday, May 21, 2010


I feared this would happen. I just did not expect it this soon. I’ve been so excited by the wonderful comments and emails that I have gotten about the blog (PS-thank you!). So you think that I would be super duper all up on the posting train but, the past week I have been overwhelmed and in a bit of a funk so I have not written at all. Then every time I think about writing I feel like I am awful because I have not posted in 5 days and then the convo in my brain starts, “See, you should not have started a blog, you won’t follow through. This is just another one of the things you start with excitement and let fall off in to the abyss of ‘things Jenn starts and doesn’t finish’. You suck.” (PS-on those days being in my brain is soooooo awesome….NOT). The thing is that I create these expectations that put so much pressure on myself to be funny and witty and poignant and on and on and on that it paralyzes me and I watch 6 hours of Oprahs that I have recorded instead of writing (Judge all you want, but I love me some cookoo Oprah).

Even though I have been on a great medication that has worked very well, there are still highs and lows that I have to deal with. I’ve accepted that this is just part of the territory and even though it does effect my daily life, it is WAY better than it was pre-meds, so I just deal with it. And by deal with it, I mean I call my doctor, we tweak meds and I hope for the best. But just when it seems like I’ve got it, a month later I’m in a funk again. I really don’t notice it as much when I get a little manic because honestly being a tad manic is kinda fun. I need less sleep, I get a lot done, I’m extra bubbly and sassy…its pretty much awesome, until its not. Then it is really not ok. So I have to get better at noticing. Note to self. Moving on…

It’s the depressions that I notice big time, just not right away. It starts out as just having a bad day or two. No reason to be alarmed, everyone has bad days, even bad weeks. “Don’t over react Jennifer Ann, everyone has days where they hate their life a little. Simmer down.” But then those days turn into a week and that week becomes two weeks. Next thing I know its been a month and angry chick rock has made its way to my running play list, I hate getting ready in the morning (read: perma-messy-on-purpose-ponytail), I wear the same 5 things that resemble clothes for pregnant ladies, all I want to eat is cereal, I don’t return emails, my tear ducts are just begging for someone to look at me the wrong way and I am a snappy sally over any little thing. (this is the point that you should start feeling bad for my boyfriend.) It ain’t pretty. It’s hard to admit. No one wants to be that much of a hot mess. Get it together already. Thankfully the time between the funk getting out of hand and pulling it together keeps getting smaller and smaller. I’ve gotten way better and acknowledging my hot-mess-ness, sucking it up, calling my doctor (who is amazing, btw) and make what ever changes necessary to get back on track. It is my hope that eventually we will find the right combo that makes the ups and downs happen less frequently allowing the crazy to resume it’s role as superpower.

So there you have it. That’s been my week. I’m sorry it’s kinda debbie downer, but its real and honest -- that is what I set out to be when I decided to start this whole thing.

That being said, I will leave you with a smile and a curtsy. Happy Friday everyone!


  1. loving you in your 'funk' anyway!!!
    praying for your days to stay as good as they can and enjoying the reads!!!
    you will do this!!!

  2. Jenn, I totally feel your pain, not that I know how you feel, but I can certainly relate. My chronic illness involves my lungs, my asthma leaves me literally breathless far too often, and it's frustrating having to go on stronger meds, that have not so fun side effects. I had about 9 months last year where I was on a wonder drug and I was able to forget that sickness is my life. Then the meds ended and my lungs karate chopped my hopes in about 2 hours at my MIL's house. So long story short, I'm sorry that's what you're going through...hopefully your funk is short lived!

  3. I hear ya loud and clear my sweet - it's all in the "catching" ourselves isn't it, me too... you describe both your "states" so eloquently and honestly, it's truly a gift to anyone who has struggled and never found the words or the courage to share, like you my super girl!

  4. You are so precious to me. Your insight is beyond valuable to me... I know I don't have what you have, but your words have spoken volumes to me and the situation that I am in. Hugs to you!

  5. How is it that during your "funk" post, you still managed to be "funny and witty and poignant and on and on..."? Forgive me for not visiting your blog until today. I send my <3 to you. Thanks for your honesty!!

  6. There is nothing worse than when your brain chemistry fights your brain's logic. But remember, there was a time in which you would have been awake for a week, followed by a week asleep - so you've come a long, long way.

    I'm really proud that you face these times head on, keep using your writing as another tool that can help you shorten these lows and get back to the mental place you want to be in.

    Love you.

  7. My dear Jenn,

    I remember your days as a 16 year old high school girl. You had the smile, the energy and the loyalty that made everyone wnat you as their friend.

    But you were also struggling deep within and very few earned the right, or your trust, to know the truth.

    You allowed me to be one of those people - perhaps I was "safe" since I was an adult - but it is a blessing to see you sharing so openly and honestly - even in the dark moments.

    You know there is only one place to go for healing and for strength to get through the darkest days and I trust He will continue to quietly whisper your name until you answer His call.

    I adore you as I always have and will always look forward to seeing my red-headed friend with the smile that lights up a room - even when you feel your heart is as dark as night. You are real and that is why you are loved.

    Forever your friend,
    Michelle Eastman