Crazy on Paper

I was diagnosed as bipolar about 5 ½ years ago. I vividly remember when the therapist I was seeing at the time (who was fabulous, BTW) uttered the statement: “I think you should be tested for bipolar.” Now, I was no stranger to this scenario. I had been in and out of therapy and treated for depression since I was 13. Had an eating disorder for 4 years that culminated in a suicide attempt at 17, which landed me in treatment for 2 months (affectionately known as “camp” in my world, more on that hilarity later). Spent the majority of my early 20s struggling with severe depressions and euphoric highs, often resulting in jazz-hand laden diatribes, binge drinking and absurd shopping sprees (thankfully not together, well…except for that one time…but OMG, those divine Gucci shoes [still in my closet] warranted the jazz hands AND celebratory drinking). I questioned my sanity more than once [a day] during that time, but BIPOLAR? That s like FOR REALS crazy. There is no way. I was only like sorta crazy. That being said, I was at the end of my rope with regard to the way my life was turning out and I’m all about trying new things…so I said, “Sure, why not?” All the while thinking that the result would be a zany story that I could tell while holding a martini at a dinner party…"remember that one time, I took the bipolar test?! Bahahahahahaha"…etc. etc.

CUT TO:

Jenn makes an appointment with a psychiatrist who suggested she do what she coined “A Family Tree of Crazy”, more commonly known as a family mental health history. Turns out, there is a smidge (read: significant amount) of alcoholism and mental health issues on both sides of her family. Bipolar: 1. Jenn: 0.

CUT TO:

Jenn taking the longest test in the history of tests (aka the MMPI) which consisted of several hours of anxiety ridden bubble filling out -- each question making more sense than the last, as if the test were reading her brain. Bipolar: 2. Jenn: -1.

CUT TO:

Aforementioned psychiatrist sitting down with Jenn to go over the results of the longest test in the history of tests…an 11 page “report” complete with detailed analysis, a bunch of numbers, and a nifty graph made of stars (which she thought was a nice touch) all pointing to what she hoped would not be the case: “So what you are saying is, that I am crazy on paper?” Bipolar: 3. Jenn: terrified.

and SCENE.

So I was faced with a decision: either live the life of a tormented heroine in a Hallmark Channel movie or embrace the crazy and see it for what it was: my superpower. I’d like to think that I use my powers for good, rather than evil (I mean, with in reason). Since my diagnosis, I’ve gone through ups and downs in trying to get my medication right. I’ve struggled and had triumphs. I’ve made great strides and taken HUGE steps back.

But, most importantly I’ve become comfortable with who I am.

My journey is far from over (Lord willing) and so I’ve decided to write about it. To talk about the good, the bad and the HILARIOUS, past and present - to give voice to the crazy that no one talks about. And in the middle of all that I’ll shimmy in my thoughts/unsolicited opinions on pop culture, current obsessions, fashion dos and don’ts and any other nonsense that pops into my brain. I’d love to hear what’s in your brain – leave a comment, ask a question…stay for a while.