The search.

Its been since July that my crazy doctor moved to Florida. To most, switching doctors might not be that big of a deal. But there is something about going through a Bipoar diagnoses (or I would assume any mental illness for that matter) that creates a bond with the professional who guides you through it. At least for me it did. When she told me the news, I responded, what I considered to be, quite rationally. There was really no reason for me not to. I had been stable on the same medication for six years and had not experienced any major episodes for nearly three. She gave me ample notice and I knew that I would be fine.

Even though I knew these things, I had a really hard time starting the search for a new doctor. I guess part of me knew that once I made those calls there was a finality to her departure that perhaps I was not ready to wrap my mind around. Then on top of that, once I finally forced my self to get it together, several of my initial calls to prospective doctors were not returned.  [Note to said doctors: you treat mentally unstable people, perhaps you might want to return their calls. Just a thought.] I finally received a recommendation from someone and made an appointment. I arrived that day with my mood history dating back to 1991 in hand. For an hour and a half I shared my journey over the last 20 years (since when can I describe something as happening for 20 years…yikes!). I signed all the paperwork so that she could get my records from my previous doctor. And while she was nice and seemingly competent, I had a weird feeling that I could not shake when I left. I felt disappointed in way – I guess I had this unsaid expectation that I would leave feeling as comfortable as I had been with the doctor that I had seen for all those years. Which is silly because that obviously takes time. It made me realize that I needed to create a space in my brain to grieve the loss of that relationship.

I would later learn that after knowing me for 90 minutes, her recommendation for me would be to add 3 new medications to the one that I was already on; clearly we were not going to be a fit. [Note to self: that feeling you could not shake is your intuition. Trust it, it is usually right.] This whole experience really made me dread the next steps in my search. It took me two months to make an appointment with another doctor. I went to that appointment last week and it went well. I decided to keep two things in mind: #1) I was not going to leave with a BFF necklace – relationships take time, especially ones with crazy doctors and #2) This did not have to be a forever choice.

I am learning that #2 is big for me. Do you ever do that to yourself, hype something up so much in your brain that it becomes unnecessarily stressful? I was living in the “what if” of years from now. What if I choose someone and it does not work out? What if she sees me as just another crazy person on her long list of crazies? What if when I decide to have kids she is not willing to work with me as a partner in my treatment? What if she does not get my sense of humor?  I was not considering where I am right now. While all of these things are important (especially the sense of humor part, obvs), I do not need all the answers now. It is ok if it does not work out. I have the power to make a change. I can trust myself to know if and when that is the case. It is about embracing the process – there is so much to learn from where I am now. Today. At this moment. It would be unfortunate to miss those things because I am fretting about what will happen when I'm crazy preggers (which is not any time soon, BTW).

So this is where I am now: I have another appointment in two months at which time I may or may not clue her in on the superpower part. We’ll see.

A [crazy] first date story.

 

Three years ago, I met my sweet, loving, completely adorable boyfriend online. When people ask me how we met and divulge my digital secret they give the head tilted, “No way, really?!?” As if to say, 'but you guys seem so normal and put together, you had to resort to on line dating?" and then I’m like, "um yeah we are totally like one of those vommy i-met-the-love-of-my-life-on-match.com-commercials".  Really, we are.

It was pretty text book: emails were sent, profile pictures carefully studied for evidence of photoshop, text messages exchanged, obligatory ‘lets meet for coffee just to make sure you’re not a serial killer' was had and then it was time for our real first date.

You can imagine the commercial: A folky mostly guitar based singer-songwriter trying to be hipster tune plays as emails are exchanged….I walk into the coffee shop in my cutest ‘I hope I don’t look like I’m trying too hard’ outfit, he’s sitting there pretending to read something then he sees me, his face lights up when he realizes that my pictures were real…conversation is easy and light…laughter, coy looks, a hug good bye…then it cuts to the epic first date…we have dinner in Malibu, over looking the ocean, there’s candlelight, more laughing, clearly sparks are flying, the song reaches the verse about maybe, possibly, most certainly falling in love…but at this point in my commercial, rather than the voiceover guy trying to convince you, the viewer, that you really can meet a totally normal, hotter than you would think person on match.com and fall in love just like us, I lean over and mention to my handsome, intelligent and perfectly normal date that I’m crazy on paper…Bipolar to be exact.

Before I go confirming the rumor that ALL girls online are crazy, let me just say that, in my defense, I did not blurt my crazy business all over the place out of nowhere. We were deep in conversation, not light fluffy convo, but lets be real and talk about life convo. It was a process…a long, effortless, inquisitive process whos end can only be blamed, oddly enough, on the LACK of alcohol. How is this possible you may ask?? Well as you may or may not know, I do not drink (it just does not mix well with the crazy). But when you meet someone the answer to “why don’t you drink?” is not that simple. I was comfortable with my crazy, I had it on lock down, I had no problem talking about it, but I also understood that there was a time and a place for those conversations to happen and no one likes the girl who vomits her entire life story at you with in the first 5 minutes of introduction. So in anticipation of this I tried to go with 'easy and light' answers to questions about my lack of adult beverage consumption. That being said, when you are on a date with someone that you met online and you are 29 and three-quarters and you don’t drink, it’s usually for one of two reasons: A) you never have because you grew up in a crazy religious cult or B) you have WAY to much because you’re a raging alcoholic.  In my case neither was true, but the process of explaining that without going the 'vomit my life all over' route is really difficult. 'Easy and light' can go down-hill quite quickly. For example...

“Well I just came to a point in my life where I needed to make better decisions and revaluate what is important to me and so I decided to quit drinking” which could be interpreted as “This one time I showed up to thanksgiving dinner and it turned out to be an intervention…for ME”

OR “Yeah I take a medication that does not mix well with alcohol” which makes you just sound like a disease ridden carrier monkey who has god knows what AND a pill problem.

Either way I end up having some splainin to do. This is the moment where I just go ahead and say it and hope for the best.

If you think about it, those moments exist in the beginnings of any relationship. The ones where you realize that you have to reveal something that is incredibly real and personal and then that revelation will inevitably lead to questions that have answers that are less than ideal. There is a lot of baggage that comes long with the statement “I’m Bipolar”, but you know what, there is just as much baggage that comes with the statement “I’m Jenn and I’m 29 and three-quarters and I have a cat”. Sometimes you just have to say it like it is and see where it lands. I did just that.

Right as we were finishing dinner, he looked at me and said “I think we are going to be friends for a really long time”. I smiled and said that I hoped so, but inside my brain, I was like Aww man, the friend card?!?! Really Jennifer Ann? Really?!?! You had to bust out the crazy, on the first date? Well played. Enjoy your life with your thousand cats.

And just as my internal convo was getting to the part where I am certain that I am a cat lady who will die alone, he smiles and suggests that we stop and get some dessert on the way home.  Over fancy pants gelato and coffee across the street from my place, we talked and laughed for another 2 hours…besties in the making. We walked back to my place and I offered for him to come in and see this piece of art that I had told him about earlier in the evening. Not weird at all right? After all, we are going to be PALS. So you can imagine my complete and utter surprise when he leaned in to kiss me as I was going on and on about my art. A sweet simple first kiss – I still get all fluttery in my stomach when I think about it. To this day he gives me a hard time because apparently no guy just wants to come in and “see the art you have been talking about”.

So there you have it, I wasn’t joking, we are totally a vommy i-met-the-love-of-my-life-on-match.com-commercial, complete with sappy tune and happy ending. To me, that is the craziest part of the story.

Sweet Tooth.

My super sweet Blog Sugar ladies, all of which I have known since high school

[Photo booth by the spectacular Melissa Munding]

One week ago I attended Blog Sugar. An ultra fabulous event conceived by one of my oldest and dearest friends, Rachel. Blog Sugar is responsible for my little piece of crazy on the interwebs. The first one was in Rachel’s living room. I showed up, blogless and left excited and encouraged. That night I went home and decided on Crazy is my Superpower. It would be months before I was brave enough to click the publish button for the first time. It really was the stories, smiles and sweet authenticity of the ladies I met that night that inspired me to take the leap.

I had only written a few posts before the 2^nd Blog Sugar rolled around. This time it had graduated to Rachel’s back yard. The crowd grew from 25 to over 60. It was luau-riffic and quite impressive!! I stuffed my face with brownies, met new friends and caught up with old ones. Our nametags included our blog names – I was mid conversation with someone when she read my nametag and said, “OMG, I read your blog and I love it – you are so brave”. It was a pretty amazing feeling. It also caught me off guard – I never thought of myself as brave. I still don’t. Honest? Yes. Brave? Debatable. The night was really magical – it made me realize that authentic storytelling can be quite powerful.

I signed up for this year’s Blog Sugar back in March and September seemed like it was a million years away. Not surprisingly it snuck up on me…the week before the event I was not sure what to make of the whole thing – I have not written in months and am smack in the middle dealing with very stressful circumstances right now – I am tired and I feel detached from the real world, let alone the blog world. The morning of, I woke up and decided that I was just going to go and have fun. No pressure, just be open to what the day would bring. I walked in to a beautifully decorated venue (we have out grown the back yard). The energy was bursting through every pink stripe and orange polka dot! AND there was cotton candy (oh how I love thee)! Rachel’s vision has grown to something bigger than she could have ever imagined (I can say this, because we have discussed it at length). She molded it and shaped it to be a faith centered experience that would impact people on a whole new level. And it did just that. I had the pleasure of hearing 4 speakers in the break-out sessions that I choose: Nish of The Outdoor Wife, Sarah of The Best Days of My Life and Julie of Joy’s Hope with Jeannett of Life Rearranged.

I learned so much from these incredible ladies. Nish engaged us in a conversation about how to write about difficult subject matter with grace and compassion. Sarah shared her incredible story and how she learned the importance of staying true to your voice and creating a community. Julie and Jeannette encouraged us to think bigger than ourselves and use our tiny spot in the digital world to make a difference in the lives of others. And the keynote speaker was Meg of whatever. She humbly shared her experience of discovering that her blog was not about her, but rather a tool that would be used to make a real difference in the lives of others.

I also have to give a shout out to Andrea of Four Flights of Fancy and JJ of Blah Blah Blahger who added some extra sass as they helped Rachel make the magic happen!! As hoped, I walked away excited and encouraged. The stories, smiles and sweet authenticity of the ladies I met once again left me inspired. Who knows what that looks like for my crazy corner of the interwebs…we’ll just have to wait and see.

How about you? What has inspired you lately?

Bittersweet.

So today is the day, my last appointment with Dr. John. It seems like yesterday that I found out that she was leaving (as told here). As I sit here getting ready to travel to Tustin one last time, I can not help but feel a little sad and a whole lot grateful! Six years ago I walked into her office a hot manic mess and today I am beyond blessed to have had her knowledge, wisdom, and gracefulness to guide me on my journey. She did not commit me when I told her that I was throwing a 'quit drinking party', she understood when I told her that I wanted my crazy to be more like an 'adorable little chihuahua', rather than the 'great dane' it had become, she quietly listened as tears fell while I wrestled with whether or not I should leave my job and she encouraged me when I proclaimed that I would embrace crazy as my super power. 


So today I say good-bye. How do I even start? It's a bit of a daunting task...at the risk of sounding dramatic, I feel like she saved my life...or more accurately, she set me on a life-saving path and has walked with me (at times carried me) until now. Tears well as I type, this is a lot more emotional than I expected, but that is ok. I look to a future that I know is bright. I know that my progress comes from within and that tomorrow nothing will have changed, I will still be me. I know that I will find another doctor who will walk the next part of my journey with me, but today I celebrate a woman who was placed in my life at a time when I needed her most. No matter what, she will always be a part of my crazy story.

Bipolar is the new black.

Yes, I actually just wrote that. One would think that the sentiment is absurd because, well…it is, but that seems to be the case these days…according to our ever responsible and trusted media (if you haven’t already, please insert heavy sarcasm here). As I am sure you have heard, in the last 2 weeks Catherine Zeta Jones and Demi Lovato have revealed that they are bipolar. OMG, que the herds of frenzied entertainment talk show hosts (ahem, Seacrest) and “news reporters” (ahem, CNN) clamoring to interview Catherine’s manicurist or Demis’s dog walker in search of the exclusive behind the scenes deets. OMG.OMG. OMG. Tune in at 7pm or be the least cool person at the next dinner party.

I am the first to applaud the fact that they have come out publicly, for whatever reason. It is no secret that there is a stigma in this country about mental illness and sadly no one seems to pay attention to anything unless it involves a celeb, so I appreciate the use of their influence in this circumstance. It makes people listen and hopefully will start a productive dialogue that can begin to lead to change. I am quite dedicated to do my part in helping that change, which is why I am here. (Side note: shout out to this week’s way too long episode of Glee for starting to address this issue!!) The last thing that this much needed public conversation needs is an overly spray tanned talking head on Access Hollywood asking the cast of Dancing with the Stars what they think of these starlets and their bipolar (actually happened). And just when you think it has hit a new low, it gets worse…

In an ABC online news article entitled “Bipolar Bandwagon” (Barf), the author opens with the brilliant line “Addiction is for amateurs. The truly trendy are Bipolar.” (DOUBLE Barf). This wordsmith of a 'reporter' goes on to say, “one could be forgiven for thinking that the disease wandered onto spring's list of must-haves along with maxi skirts, bell-bottoms and the iPad 2.” Well then, my spring shopping list just got a whole lot easier – all I need to pick up is some hippie clothes and an iPad 2. Easy breezy! Clearly I have not lost my knack for being ahead of the trends. You might recall that in the mid 90s, I totally went into treatment for an eating disorder even before Candice Cameron and Tracy Gold did and I even embraced the come back of the ankle bootie before most. I know, its hard being so ‘right here right now’, but some one has to do it. I will rest easier tonight knowing that I have once again joined the elite, for I am truly trendy.

Cheers and snaps for my new truly trendy friends. Welcome to the road of manic highs that almost always end it horribly self-destructive behavior that will likely severely damage if not ruin many of your relationships. Welcome to depressions that are so bad that you would prefer to not be alive but you are so deep in it that you cannot even muster up the energy that it would take to act on that feeling (silver lining). Welcome to a lifetime of medication and it’s ‘possible side affects’. Welcome to a lifetime of walking the line between the ups and downs of real life and the possibility that you could be teetering on the edge of loosing it.

Suddenly that maxi skirt is looking a lot less unflattering…

The good news is that once you have gone through all of the above (including the purchasing of a maxi skirt) you can choose to embrace your limitations. You can create a treatment plan that allows you to be stable. You can surround yourself with people who are loving and supportive and who will help you though the hard times. You can take this thing and help it make you a better person. You can help others. You can claim your crazy as a superpower and use it for good, rather than evil. It is a very, very hard road, but you can choose all of these things…I promise.

Let me just say that while I refer to myself as crazy and use humor to discuss my experiences, I am certainly not trying to glamorize my situation. I am not encouraging anyone to ‘hope’ they could one day you can become ‘truly trendy’ like me. I am honest and open, so that the whole thing might seem a little less scary to someone who struggles with a similar circumstances…you are not alone. I choose humor so that it is a little less uncomfortable for someone who might have preconceived notions about what it means to have mental disorder. 

I claim crazy as my superpower because I know that being bipolar and all the experiences that have come along with it make me who I am today. This process has made me stronger, more compassionate, open and aware. I am thankful for that. Rather than reducing having a mental disorder to a passing trend, lets have a real conversation. Lets educate ourselves so we can know what others face. Lets be compassionate. Lets not be ashamed. Lets speak out for others and ourselves. How about putting these things on our ‘must have’ lists. Because that, my friends, will never go out of style.

Seasons of change.

Yesterday I went for my quarterly appointment with my ‘crazy doctor’. I used to see her weekly, but once my meds were stable, I ‘graduated’ to every 3 months. At these meetings we discuss how the previous 3 months have been – it is important to help me keep my ups and downs in check. In fact the last 2 time changes are the first in 6 years that I have not had a significant swing up or down because we were able to be proactive based on my past cycles. So these check-ins are important.

As I walked into her office she had a concerned look on her face. I sat down.

Crazy Docter: “Did you get the letter?”
JLa: “What letter? I did not get any letter, what address was it sent it to?”
CD: “Londonderry View Drive.”
JLa: “Nope, those were my WEHO days with the gay boys. I’ve moved on to being ‘urban’ with the homeless people in downtown. What did the letter say?”
CD: “I have to relocate.”
JLa: “No problem, I already drive to Tustin from downtown to see you…where are you relocating to?”
CD: “Florida.”
JLa: “Oh…well that is just a touch further than Tustin. So that means…you’re leaving?”

At this point many things cross my mind. It is natural to be a bit taken back. After all I have seen her for 6 years now – she walked me through some of the most challenging times in my life. She has been a constant – just a phone call (or a hour and a half commute) away. If I had questions or was becoming a little Penelope-ish or sliding down the slope of depression, she was there with a plan in place. Not to mention she is very forward thinking and laughs at my jokes and tells me that I am doing extraordinarily well and that I should be proud of that.

Then I started thinking about the process of finding someone new. The good news is that I can find someone that is a bit closer. But then there is the unknown that is a bit daunting: Getting the recommendations, the interview process (because lets be honest, it is a process), bringing someone new up to speed as to how I have gotten to where I am (insert ‘Turns out I have a blog…these 3 key posts really summarize it well. You’re welcome.’) and then after all of that deciding of this person is a fit. It is so very important to me to have a doctor that is not super conservative in their approach. Someone who is willing to hear about the new thing I have been researching and incorporating holistic options where they make sense. I am not into “Here are some more pills, take them because I say so. See you in 3 months.” Not to mention finding someone who will laugh at my madness and embrace the fact that crazy is indeed my superpower.

After our conversation I left feeling uncertain, but also fine. I get to see her again in 2 months before she leaves, which gives me enough time to find someone new that can talk to her as part of my transition and come up with a meaningful parting gift for her (Ideas are welcome). As I got on the 5 freeway at 8:30 am to go back to LA, I had [lots] of time to reflect on this news. I found myself saying out loud over and over: “Change is good.” (Side note: yes, sometimes I talk to myself, out loud in my car. At least since the invention of Bluetooth in cars other people do not look at me and wonder if the weird girl in the car next to them has lost her mind and reverted to talking to herself. Thank you inventors of blue tooth.) “Change is good” “Change is good.”

And then I thought of something that I saw this past weekend at the MOCA ‘Art in the Streets’ exhibit. Tucked away in an installation by Os Gemeos (amazing BTW) was the quote “In order to open a new door, you have to close the old one.” DUH. This is my new door. There is something waiting for me ahead and this is the opportunity to go find it. This is not a scary awful thing. I can embrace this change.

I am a firm believer in timing and being ready to hear/accept/take things in. This morning I woke up with this new change on my mind again and as I sat with my breakfast reading a few blogs, I read a post on ‘turning corners’ written by one of my very dearest friends. Just what I needed to hear. I am ready for this change. I am ready to turn this corner. And I look forward to what awaits me.

A fancy phone call & some photos!

Yesterday I got a personal phone call from Lucille Roybal-Allard, who represents the 34th Congressional District -- she is the congressperson who puts on the student art competition that I was the chair of this year (as described here). She was unable to attend the event this year because she was in DC dealing with the budget hullabaloo (technical term) and yesterday she took time out of her very busy and important day to call and thank me for my work as the chair. It made me feel quite fancy. She is truly a remarkable woman and it goes to show that no matter how busy you are, there is always time for a quick phone call or note. It made my day!!!

I also received some of the photos from the event (taken by the lovely and talented Ashely Andrea Beliveau):

I became aware of this competition because my amazing mother (pictured with me here) has been a part of it for 8 years, she and her incredible employee have been co-chairs of the event before and asked me to do it this year.

These are the student finalists. Before the program starts we all get to take pictures together and they have to wait and be all nervous because they do not know who has won. Each student has to write a few paragraphs describing their work and the meaning behind it. I was quite struck by how insightful their perspectives were -- gives this crazy girl some hope for the future (seriously, I sound like I am 100 when I say that, but it's true).


This is the winner of the competition next to the poster that was made with her artwork. Her piece is called Autism Speaks (done with spray paint on puzzle board, which is significant because the logo for the organization Autism Speaks is a puzzle piece). She made the piece because 2 of her cousins are Autistic and she felt it was important to raise awareness especially in the younger generation. When her name was called as the winner she was beside herself...her art teacher was on stage with her and her family in the front row was BEAMING. It was a really special day and I am thrilled to be the chair again next year (assuming that they will have me)!!

One final photo of me and adorable Ashley (who was the photographer at the event, she also happens to be an intern where I work).

Happy Friday friends!!! Hope you have spectacular weekend!!