Wednesday, May 12, 2010

Crazy on Paper

I was diagnosed as bipolar about 5 ½ years ago. I vividly remember when the therapist I was seeing at the time (who was fabulous, BTW) uttered the statement: “I think you should be tested for bipolar.” Now, I was no stranger to this scenario. I had been in and out of therapy and treated for depression since I was 13. Had an eating disorder for 4 years that culminated in a suicide attempt at 17, which landed me in treatment for 2 months (affectionately known as “camp” in my world, more on that hilarity later). Spent the majority of my early 20s struggling with severe depressions and euphoric highs, often resulting in jazz-hand laden diatribes, binge drinking and absurd shopping sprees (thankfully not together, well…except for that one time…but OMG, those divine Gucci shoes [still in my closet] warranted the jazz hands AND celebratory drinking). I questioned my sanity more than once [a day] during that time, but BIPOLAR? That s like FOR REALS crazy. There is no way. I was only like sorta crazy. That being said, I was at the end of my rope with regard to the way my life was turning out and I’m all about trying new things…so I said, “Sure, why not?” All the while thinking that the result would be a zany story that I could tell while holding a martini at a dinner party…"remember that one time, I took the bipolar test?! Bahahahahahaha"…etc. etc.

CUT TO:

Jenn makes an appointment with a psychiatrist who suggested she do what she coined “A Family Tree of Crazy”, more commonly known as a family mental health history. Turns out, there is a smidge (read: significant amount) of alcoholism and mental health issues on both sides of her family. Bipolar: 1. Jenn: 0.

CUT TO:

Jenn taking the longest test in the history of tests (aka the MMPI) which consisted of several hours of anxiety ridden bubble filling out -- each question making more sense than the last, as if the test were reading her brain. Bipolar: 2. Jenn: -1.

CUT TO:

Aforementioned psychiatrist sitting down with Jenn to go over the results of the longest test in the history of tests…an 11 page “report” complete with detailed analysis, a bunch of numbers, and a nifty graph made of stars (which she thought was a nice touch) all pointing to what she hoped would not be the case: “So what you are saying is, that I am crazy on paper?” Bipolar: 3. Jenn: terrified.

and SCENE.

So I was faced with a decision: either live the life of a tormented heroine in a Hallmark Channel movie or embrace the crazy and see it for what it was: my superpower. I’d like to think that I use my powers for good, rather than evil (I mean, with in reason). Since my diagnosis, I’ve gone through ups and downs in trying to get my medication right. I’ve struggled and had triumphs. I’ve made great strides and taken HUGE steps back.

But, most importantly I’ve become comfortable with who I am.

My journey is far from over (Lord willing) and so I’ve decided to write about it. To talk about the good, the bad and the HILARIOUS, past and present - to give voice to the crazy that no one talks about. And in the middle of all that I’ll shimmy in my thoughts/unsolicited opinions on pop culture, current obsessions, fashion dos and don’ts and any other nonsense that pops into my brain. I’d love to hear what’s in your brain – leave a comment, ask a question…stay for a while.

19 comments:

  1. bahaha i can't wait to read more:) crazy has always indeed been your superpower...even before you knew it was!

    love you lots.
    britt britt

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  2. welcome, my friend.

    you have arrived.

    (and that's FAT CAMP, lafferty. get it right.)

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  3. This is the blog I HAVE BEEN WAITING MY WHOLE LIFE TO READ. Congratulations, Jenn, and here's to many more posts.

    LOVE
    Casey

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  4. Congratulations my baby girl!! You have so much to be proud of and so much to share. Keep your stories coming....they make me smile!

    Your Proud Mom

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  5. Yeah! Welcome to the blogging world! I spent a summer at "camp" too. It was fat camp, not gonna lie. Clearly it solved ALL of my problems...clearly. I learned to juggle. That's about it. Fun times.

    Looking forward to hearing a whole lot more of your crazy : )

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  6. Yay! You started your bloggity-blog. Can't wait to read about the crazy!

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  7. Isn't taking the MMPI LIKE the most fun you can have with your clothes ON, EVER!! I super love your super powers my super girl...

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  8. I've been waiting for this day for YEARS. Baited breath, seriously.

    I know we've talked forever about you doing something like this (The one woman show is coming, yes? Complete with pop up people in the set?) and I'm ridiculously excited to watch it unfold. As I was ridiculously privileged to have watched you unfold over the last decade.

    Loves.

    Tanya

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  9. You are my hero... totally inspiring and a fabulous writer. SO proud to call you my friend and watch how this all unfolds. Love you!

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  10. My favorite thing about you is how real you are, and I am looking forward to reading that realness in your blog!

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  11. Love it! As you should be able to tell from the comments thus far, your story telling absolutely comes through in writing :) Bravo, lady!

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  12. yaay! you have a BLOG!!! and I love it!
    can't wait to read more!

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  13. you rawk...... and i think you haved multiple superpowers.... crazy is just the best one ;)

    xoxo

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  14. blogs. the new diary. i love it. i enjoy reading about other peoples live and I like that you're being so real. Kudos. :)

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  15. This is perhaps one of my favorite blog posts ever. Thank goodness you embraced the BP issue, because otherwise you turn into super-crazy. I have some family experience with this one. love to you!!

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  16. Hi. I saw you last night but I don't think we actually had the chance to talk. After reading this and not being able to go back in time, I will have to stalk you now so that we can have a conversation.

    The camp that takes away your shoe laces, right? And schedules group therapy sessions in-between art time and lunch? I may or may not have pitched a tent in a campground like that once.

    *CHEERS* to one of my favorite blog posts EVER.

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  17. Oh, girl, I hear you.

    My best friend was diagnosed as Bipolar about a year ago, and it's been very hard to watch her go through the medication battles--I'll be praying that you continue to find the balance you need, physically, mentally, and spiritually.

    Thank you for your honesty, so much.

    ps (we met at blog*sugar--i'm the one with the pink hair :)

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  18. I am so thrilled to come across your blog! I am also, a thirty something, bipolar, crazy gal...writing it down...
    Thanks for sharing your voice - the more we write - the more they read - the less scary it is for everyone.

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